What marriage with kids really looks like.

When you're pregnant, everyone "warns" you what's going to happen to your body and how painful childbirth is going to be. You'll even hear all about your best friend's best friend who gave birth and couldn't sit for a month. You'll hear how you'll experience the most incredible bond and love for your child and the insane amount of joy you have watching your spouse become a new parent, BUT what no one warns you about is how having this sweet little bundle of joy really impacts your relationship.

Sure, motherhood is scary, terrifying, challenging and exhausting, however that's the easy part. Keeping your marriage alive and thriving with little humans now as your first priority, that is some hard shit. One child wasn't so bad, but as your family grows, so do the number of challenges you're going to face.

Honestly, I'm not even sure where to start with this... there were days where I legitimately thought I hated my husband. I really wanted to just punch him in the face if you really want to know the truth.

 Life as a new mom is SO overwhelming and with breastfeeding 24/7 (bc you already know I had non-sleeping little assholes) then a toddler running circles around me with markers coloring everything I own, while a baby is on my tit all the time. I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING. I felt my husband wasn't being very helpful and that all the responsibility was mine. Like we had children together, my world changed, and his didn't.... For awhile I never said anything. I just bottled it up and kept trying to do my best because I figured he was trying to do his too.. but he just didn't get "it". You know what I mean. I know right now some of you Mom's reading this are nodding bc YOU GET IT.

I was so resentful towards him. He got to leave. He got silence. He got sleep. He got time away. I was having a good day if I got to have a shower while both kids scream and cry from outside the door. He really had no clue what I was going through and I say this in past tense, because I promise you it does get easier when they get older. And by easier I just mean the challenges are different, not less. Especially if you have a fearless boy, god help us.

I know somedays I've felt like supermom and some I've felt like I've failed my one and only job. I guess they're still both alive so that counts for something right? Those early days with 2 under 2, weren't all hugs and kisses, and happy cries. I had several meltdowns. Complete fucking breakdowns. Sitting on the floor crying wanting to rip every last piece of hair I had out of my head. I felt inadequate. I felt so alone. I felt like I had no help. I felt like no one was listening. Inside I was screaming and crying (sometimes on the outside too) and no one could hear me.

And then my husband would tell me he was tired... that was opening a whole other can of worms. When it comes down to it, the stress of being the "perfect mom" is just too much. Trying to keep a clean house, laundry, dishes, and floors oh my, trying to not always look like a disheveled hot mess, I realized that we spend so much time worrying on other things that we forget to enjoy the time we have when our kids are so small.  We have all these crazy expectations for OURSELVES and our spouses that we get all tangled up and lost in.

FYI: expectations and comparisons are the complete thief of joy Mama.

The fact you have all these expectations already makes you an INCREDIBLE parent bc you're worried, and concerned about them and focused on giving them the best chance possible. So try to relax (easier said then done I know) and stop overwhelming yourself with anxiety. Trust me, the dishes and laundry will wait for when you're ready. Rightfully so, if you follow me on social media you know I have a couch collecting clean laundry on the daily and my dishes can sit all day. But on those days you do want to kill your husband, try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. He's still himself and you're still you, things are just a bit different now. Dating each other is crucial. And I don't mean just ordering take-out and eating it in bed bingeing GOT after the kids go down. Get the fuck out of the house together and do something you used to do before you became parents. Even though you're Mom and Dad now, husband and wife are still super important titles.

Two things that really helped me not hate my husband:

GETTING OUTSIDE EVERY SINGLE DAY. Leave the scene of the crime and realize that there is life outside of your beautiful disaster.

And STOP WITH THE EXPECTATIONS. Stop punishing yourself and your spouse for not living up to the crazy dreams your childhood self created. Very few roads of love are easy to navigate. Forgive and let go. Your happiness depends on YOU. What you choose to do,feel, and be. So don't let comparisons and expectations bring you down and keep you there.

Marriage is simply a promise to never give up on each other. So even though your days are so long Mama, the years will go oh so fast. Embrace the beauty in all the chaos because we are all hot messes. Some just hide it better than others.